wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
