im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
