I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
