then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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