Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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