I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
