Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
