i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
