I cannot find my penis.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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