Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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