i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
