I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
