he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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