Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
