don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
