Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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