The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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