On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Send help, water and tortillas.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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