I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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