I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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