New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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