One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize
