we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
