It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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