I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
