And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
love makes seman taste better
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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