New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
