careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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