just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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