I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
