i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
