If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
