The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you win again, gameday.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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