When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
