Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
