She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
4 words: hood of his car
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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