I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
