I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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