Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
