Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
