we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
