When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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