I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think my mom watched the whole time
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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