thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
