I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
