I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
