there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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