I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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