Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
