it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
someone owes me an orgasm
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
